28th of june
how persistent this pain is
like a mass of lethal agony
cure me
from this poisonous misery



“you don’t look depressed though”

oh yeah sorry i forgot to bring my literal dark cloud with me today

I am lonely, yet not everybody will do. I don’t know why, some people fill the gaps and others emphasize my loneliness.

Anaïs Nin (via creatingaquietmind)
Anonymous said: how do you stop feeling what there could have been? how do you charm your way out of the past? how do you smooth the rough edges without cutting your tongue? how do you ignore the hands still on your ankles? the eyes trained on your throat from a distance? what is there now if there was no before?


i dunno, anon. i’m listening to lanterns on the lake and everything is warm darkness. all you can do is just be soft with yourself, i think, whatever that means. i’m not—i’m not the best person to ask about this. it takes me a long time to fully get over things. lots of pep talks, lots of angry swearing in my journal, lots of ridiculous nights spent sitting on the edge of my bed with certain memories on loop. it takes me a long time because i’ll take the memory and flip it over and over, try to see in under different lights, from different angles. it helps me reconcile with the past instead of repressing it. it lets me keep the tenderness people have shown me while remembering it doesn’t belong to me, doesn’t mean more than it did in that moment. 

but—sometimes it’s just a choice you gotta make. to leave or to leap, to touch or to flinch. look them in the eye, or don’t look at all. i don’t know. the grey zone of residual feelings and residual hope is a hard thing to work through, but everything is a temporary state, maybe. i don’t know what i’m saying anymore, but there are good things to come, i promise. there are so many good things to come. 


I’m in mutuals with a lot of people I’ve never spoken to and if that’s you then I just want you to know that I’ve definitely thought about talking to you at one point and then got scared


That is all there ever is, 
right? Finding someone 
and loving them so much 
that it consumes you.
That is what I used to believe,
anyway. Now, I am not so sure. 
I cannot see her but I can feel her 
and there is no more beauty in this pain, 
just simple loneliness.


anxiety is terrible, you could be having an attack and no one would even know because it’s an inward thing. it feels like you’re malfunctioning and you can’t process your own thoughts. you get a knot in your stomach and you can’t take a full breath but outwardly you can literally just sit there and look completely normal as long as no one tries to speak to you.


― The Double (2013)Simon: Because I know what it feels like…to be lost and lonely and invisible.

This Is What Sex Looks Like Inside An MRI Scanner (via Huff Post Science)
The video has been tagged as NSFW, but I don’t agree, judge for yourselves:
I feel a sadness I expected and which comes only from myself. I say I’ve always been sad. That I can see the same sadness in photos of myself when I was small. That today, recognizing it as the sadness I’ve always had, I could almost call it by my own name, it’s so like me.

Marguerite Duras, from The Lover (via violentwavesofemotion)
I think I fell in love with her, a little bit. Isn’t that dumb? But it was like I knew her. Like she was my oldest, dearest friend. The kind of person you can tell anything to, no matter how bad, and they’ll still love you, because they know you. I wanted to go with her. I wanted her to notice me. And then she stopped walking. Under the moon, she stopped. And looked at us. She looked at me. Maybe she was trying to tell me something; I don’t know. She probably didn’t even know I was there. But I’ll always love her. All my life.

Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol. 8: Worlds’ End (via wordsnquotes)
People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.

Jim Morrison  (via de-licacy)
I think about dying but I don’t want to die. Not even close. In fact my problem is the complete opposite. I want to live, I want to escape. I feel trapped and bored and claustrophobic. There’s so much to see and so much to do but I somehow still find myself doing nothing at all. I’m still here in this metaphorical bubble of existence and I can’t quite figure out what the hell I’m doing or how to get out of it.

Matty Healy (via ehtes)
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