like a mass of lethal agony
from this poisonous misery
“you don’t look depressed though”
oh yeah sorry i forgot to bring my literal dark cloud with me today
i dunno, anon. i’m listening to lanterns on the lake and everything is warm darkness. all you can do is just be soft with yourself, i think, whatever that means. i’m not—i’m not the best person to ask about this. it takes me a long time to fully get over things. lots of pep talks, lots of angry swearing in my journal, lots of ridiculous nights spent sitting on the edge of my bed with certain memories on loop. it takes me a long time because i’ll take the memory and flip it over and over, try to see in under different lights, from different angles. it helps me reconcile with the past instead of repressing it. it lets me keep the tenderness people have shown me while remembering it doesn’t belong to me, doesn’t mean more than it did in that moment.
but—sometimes it’s just a choice you gotta make. to leave or to leap, to touch or to flinch. look them in the eye, or don’t look at all. i don’t know. the grey zone of residual feelings and residual hope is a hard thing to work through, but everything is a temporary state, maybe. i don’t know what i’m saying anymore, but there are good things to come, i promise. there are so many good things to come.
I’m in mutuals with a lot of people I’ve never spoken to and if that’s you then I just want you to know that I’ve definitely thought about talking to you at one point and then got scared
That is all there ever is,
right? Finding someone
and loving them so much
that it consumes you.
That is what I used to believe,
anyway. Now, I am not so sure.
I cannot see her but I can feel her
and there is no more beauty in this pain,
just simple loneliness.
anxiety is terrible, you could be having an attack and no one would even know because it’s an inward thing. it feels like you’re malfunctioning and you can’t process your own thoughts. you get a knot in your stomach and you can’t take a full breath but outwardly you can literally just sit there and look completely normal as long as no one tries to speak to you.